Parenting Under Siege: Coercive Control in the U.S.

Introduction

Coercive control is a term gaining long-overdue recognition in the United States, yet its profound impact—especially on parenting and child well-being—remains dangerously misunderstood. Far more than just occasional conflict or emotional abuse, coercive control is a calculated, sustained pattern of behavior used by one person in an intimate relationship to dominate and strip the autonomy of their partner. When children are involved, this abuse transforms the family dynamic into a high-stakes battleground.

If you recognize these dynamics in your life or the life of a loved one, know that you are not alone, and help is available.

What is Coercive Control?

Coercive control is a pattern of psychological, emotional, financial, and sometimes physical abuse that creates an environment of fear, dependency, and surveillance. Its primary goal is to limit a victim’s liberty and personal freedom.

Unlike an isolated incident of domestic violence, coercive control is the ongoing campaign that underpins the relationship. Tactics often include:

• Isolation: Cutting the victim off from friends, family, or other support systems.
• Surveillance: Excessive monitoring of movements, communications (phone, email, social media), and activities.
• Economic Abuse: Controlling access to money, dictating spending, or preventing the victim from working.
• Intimidation and Degradation: Repeated insults, belittling, or gaslighting that makes the victim doubt their own sanity, memory, or perception of reality.
• Threats: Threatening to harm the victim, their loved ones, pets, or even to expose private information.

The Impact on Parenting and Children

In a co-parenting relationship, an abuser uses coercive control not just against their partner, but also to undermine their partner’s identity as a parent and control the lives of the children. Children in these environments are not just "witnesses"—they are often co-victims who suffer profound harm.

Children as Tools of Control

Coercive controllers frequently weaponize children to maintain dominance over the other parent, especially after separation or divorce. This can manifest as:

• Undermining the Other Parent: Consistently criticizing, belittling, or badmouthing the targeted parent to the child, forcing the child into a loyalty conflict.
• Manipulating Access: Threatening to withhold access to the children or using court proceedings (litigation abuse) to financially and psychologically drain the victim.
• Using Children to Spy: Demanding that children report on the targeted parent's activities, whereabouts, or conversations.

Severe Harm to Child Development

Exposure to the chronic stress, fear, and emotional turmoil of a coercively controlling environment can cause significant, long-term harm to a child's health and development:

• Emotional and Psychological Issues: Increased risk of anxiety, depression, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), anger, and low self-esteem.
• Developmental Challenges: Difficulties with social-emotional development, academic problems, and learning to trust.
• Strained Parent-Child Bonds: The victimized parent's ability to parent sensitively is often compromised by the constant stress and trauma, while the child's relationship with the abusive parent can become one based on fear and appeasement.

Children learn what a normal relationship looks like by observing their parents. In a coercively controlled environment, they learn that love equals dominance, which can affect their relationships into adulthood.

Coercive Control and U.S. Law

Recognition of coercive control in U.S. law is evolving, but often lags behind the experiences of survivors.

While some states, like California and Hawai’i, have adopted landmark legislation to include coercive control in their domestic violence and protective order statutes, most states still rely on older definitions focused primarily on physical violence.

In child custody disputes, evidence of coercive control should be a factor when determining the child's best interest, as the pattern of abuse directly impacts the child's safety and emotional well-being. However, without specific statutes, judges and court-appointed evaluators sometimes fail to recognize or properly weigh non-physical abuse, allowing the abuse to persist post-separation through family court systems.

Resources for Help and Information

If you or someone you know is experiencing coercive control, reaching out for support is the first critical step toward safety. These national resources are confidential and can help with safety planning, legal information, and connecting you with local services.

Immediate Support and National Hotlines

Legal and Safety Planning

Remember: If you are in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency number. Your safety is the priority.